ME! and all that being me comes with!

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I’m usually the one behind the camera so finding a photo of me is not an easy task! But i did find this picture of my beautiful boy and me.

My life, well…. i’m not going to go through the whole of my train wreck, and it really is or has been quite a difficult one.  One that’s pushed me to the edge many times, but i don’t give up… ever! i’ll start our tale from where my physical and mental challenges started to become difficult to stay on top of.

I’ve always had anxiety and felt pressured more than most.  That’s due to my start in life, which whilst not that bad, It was difficult at times.  I honestly am trying to not go to far back! My anxiety was the first to present seriously.  My pain started with my miscarriage.  This was when i was about 23.  Before A and J.  Me and James were surprised when we found out about carrying a baby, but very happy surprised.  We knew from 4 weeks and i read to the bump every day, and thought about everything we were going to do, everything that could be.  At 10 weeks, during an intimate time, we had a bleed out.  It was a very heavy bleed out, without wanting to take away from the seriousness of the story, it looked as though i had been butchered from the inside out.  I remember sitting on the toilet, shaking with tears streaming down my face, looking down and feeling like i was inside a horror movie.  After ringing around we got a scan booked, two days after the bleed out… it was a horrid two days! At the scan we found out baby was absolutely fine and doing well.  So the regularly scheduled 12 week scan was the next one.  I remember i took my mum with us, as she always thought that she’d never have grandkids from me, just granddogs, so was overly thrilled.  We got to the 12 week scan, and to be honest the rest of what happened is hazy, it comes and goes like a jigsaw puzzle that i’m receiving in a random order in bursts… my psychologist after all of this says it part of post traumatic stress, you don’t remember things properly but it tends to haunt you in random pieces and waves.  I know i was told that the baby had no heartbeat.  I was taken off into a side room.  Though i felt incredibly guilty to my mum having to go through it… i am so pleased she was there! as far as comforting goes… Daddy Wright… it’s definitely not natural to him.  I remember not believing and wanting another scan, but being talked out of it.  Then having to decide which way to “evacuate” (yes that is the term that is used in this situation.  I found it disconnected and terrible!) I chose to take some tablets to help the body naturally release everything.  It really is hard to word everything appropriately. So i went into hospital, had my own room and went through it all… Daddy helped this part a lot, he read to me, sat with me, and didn’t leave my side… that is until 10 o’clock at night when he was asked to leave by the staff as it was a women’s ward.  That was incredibly difficult, i remember bursting into tears when he left and felt incredibly vulnerable.  I believe i had to stay in as not everything had “come away” during the process. This is where it all came apart for me, and i could’t deal “normally” any more after all of this.

I felt I should add here that we named her July.  The book i was reading aloud was called “The 4th of July”, and it was a good memory of being pregnant with her. Just in case i refer to her later on.  Yes the book is not child appropriate, but it was mainly so her little cells always heard me and felt my voices vibrations.  I know she didn’t have ears at that time but it felt good talking to her.

I became introverted and agoraphobic.  Being in public was incredibly difficult, being around people who did not appreciate the little miracles they had.  Did they not know how incredibly difficult for some it is to have children? and how lucky they should feel having these amazing and incredible tiny human beings? I wanted to scream at them so much!  I felt fragile all the time.  I hid it well in company but then after i would cry and then crash into a pile.  Leaving the house was never easy and i wouldn’t go out, unless it really was necessary.

Things started to become easier slowly, but i had to go to a job that was a bus journey away, this started to become so hard for me to do, the stress it would bring before hand and during… this was getting worse.  Thankfully i had a very understanding boss who was also a good friend, a friend before she was my boss.  Luckily she lived nearby and she would take me when she was going in too.  Then A happened… we found out little A had decided to join our family.

My pregnancy with A was not easy at all.  I walked absolutely everywhere, we didn’t drive at this point and i’d always walked everywhere. I even owned a dog walking business with my two good friends, Mandy and Laura, before changing jobs.  I walked from 9 am till 3 pm… everyday! So when walking started to hurt it was not easy.  I kept hearing a clicking sound coming from my coccyx area.  There were also many bleed outs, many.  It was a very stressful time.  Then one morning i woke with a really bad headache, then i started to feel a tingling in my arm… i was seen about 12-ish that day.  It was pre-eclampsia.  The moment they took my blood pressure, they started fitting me with cannulas.  They told me that i’d have to be induced immediately and that we should prepare for her arrival.  Daddy was sent to get hospital bags. I was 34 weeks.  Early but not as early as it could have been.  Luckily i was all ready.  Whilst Daddy was away, it all started to kick off.  I had magnesium sulfate (the oddest thing to remember from the time), flushed through the cannula to help stop me from having a fit.  If a fit happens, it can turn into eclampsia and that results in a coma.  They were flushing all sorts to stop me being sick and anything else that could happen.  When Daddy returned, i had been induced already.  Okay, so again what i remember is from Daddy Wright telling me and the random nightmares I’ve had affirmed and the pieces that i have erratically remembered.  I know Daddy Wright was asleep for the first half. He had been at work since 6 am, and up since 5 am.  It was now, by the time the situation changed from calm to chaos, about 10pm.  A’s heartbeat started to dip between contractions, which they said was okay, till her heart rate started to be erratic all the time.  When that happened they immediately prepped me for an emergency C section.  I know i went into robotic “okay we’ve got to do this, so lets get it done” mode.  I’d signed things (no idea what, but i’m assuming a waver).  I luckily had already had an epidural as a just in case. I remember the feeling during the C section.  It felt as though my body was an olden day wash board, and the doctors were tugging everything around like the ladies washing.  I remember being terrified waiting for a sound. She didn’t make a sound.  They said from behind the curtain, that she was fine and a she, but she had to immediately go to special care.  I kissed her and named her as she was whisked off.  She came out at 5 am.  I know i sat in recovery, I was sick, and in and out of consciousness.  The girls in special care were very kind and brought some pictures of A in her incubator.  She was tiny! She was born 3 lb. Too Small and too soon.  The rest of the day was a blur.  They wheeled me in to see her on the bed.  I unfortunately do not remember this time at all.  I don’t recall that first visit, and I’ve tried to many times. The next day i immediately started expressing my milk.  The colostrum was so important for her, so every 2 hours i would express. She thrived once she was out. i remember we couldn’t hold her often, and seeing her cry and not being able to comfort her was so incredibly difficult and heart tearing. She needed time though, time to grow, and then i could have cuddles all i wanted.  I remember walking down the corridor to special care.  That walk was hard to do…. the unknowing, was she okay? were the beeps from her?  I’m so pleased that i never had to experience it going wrong.  She did fantastic and at 3 weeks old, she had her feeding tube out and i was feeding her.  Then at nearly 4 weeks she was released.  I wasn’t.  3 times i had yet again had my blood pressure rise and need to be medicated to stave off a fit.  I was released the day after she was and off home we went.

She had surgery at 6 weeks old for a hernia.  That was awful her being sedated and taken away, then the wait!  thankfully all went well there.

A was helping me get out and about and i took her to all sorts of classes and walked her everywhere…. still crowds weren’t easy, and that’s not just at shops, or doctors. It was family gatherings or people coming over. Being around more than 3 people was very difficult and would bump my anxiety right up.

Then surprise J came along.  I don’t think i’d have been able to pluck the courage up to have another baby if J hadn’t decided it was his time.  A much easier pregnancy, until the 3rd trimester… I developed symphysis pubis dysfunction. It came on steadily, then became bad, quickly.  Toward 37 weeks I couldn’t get to the toilet without 2 crutches, and my toilet was about 15/20 steps away from the couch.  It was painful and not easy.  I desperately wanted to give birth naturally and my consultant was really good, but giving the previous problems and the pain i was in, we decided to have a C section if he didn’t come on his own.  The day before his due date i went in for a C section.  It all went well.  I remember after we were in the recovery room, J was in his cot and Daddy next to me… I burst into tears, i think it was alleviation that it all went well, and the fact that I again didn’t have a natural birth.  I think I knew I wouldn’t get another chance.  The nurse came in and immediately popped J in my arms, and everything melted away with his cuddles.

They said it would take 2 weeks after he was born for my SPD to die down… It did, though i’m not sure when… What stayed was one hell of a back pain… It was bad.  It’s been 6 years nearly since the SPD developed, and i’m still bad from it.  I’ve had better weeks/months, and worse weeks/months.  I’ve had x-rays, CT scans and all… I have 2 degenerative disks, a disk protrusion with lumbar myelopathy. I am on a lot of meds, including gabapentin, imiprimine, Zomorph, Oramorph and more. I’ve managed, and it’s been difficult adjusting, having Daddy do most the things I have always done…. all the cleaning, wow we have had so many fights over cleaning.  I’m a person who likes things clean, Daddy doesn’t care at all… so teaching him the best ways and efficient ways has been a struggle, though he is slowly getting better.

When it became worse.

About 10 month ago i started to be in more pain, and in more areas, my knees, my ankles, wrists… most joints.  I was having more problems, with severe IBS, lots of side effects from the medication i’m on, and a lot of side effects from the pain, and it just seemed to get worse.  We also lost our mobility car 16 month ago, and that’s been hard, as getting to the school, which isn’t that far, was do able with rests…. getting back was excruciating.  So I couldn’t walk to places.  Then the anxiety increased so much!  I have had many tests and things, i had H.Pylori and thankfully rid of that… then the pain continued, lots of new symptoms… The doctor found out i have anemia that keeps returning, so we’re trying to figure out why, and also my immune response levels are high, and again we’re not sure why… we’re leaning to the idea that it’s a possible auto-immune disease… we just don’t know which as of yet.  So I don’t leave the house at all to never… I wheelchair when i do as moving hurts too much.  I cancel everything… I just… my house is my safe zone, and leaving it is scary and unpredictable and with the problems, I don’t want to be stuck in public being in eye watering pain and sweating… I also have a bad bladder… I don’t know i’m full till i’m really full, and then i HAVE to go! I can’t make it up the stairs without urinating all over myself. So i have a commode as i can’t walk at all when i need it… I still slip up despite the commode being 2/3 steps away…. so that is always in my mind too. My weight has increased ridiculously! I’m a lot bigger than i should be, and i can’t afford to get a new wardrobe so going into public and looking respectable isn’t a choice i have… there’s another reason… Its easier to stay in…. Thank goodness for Daddy!!!

I’m happy though mostly ill, i sleep as and when i can as its so uncomfortable and unpredictable, sometimes i go days without sleep, then for a few days I can’t wake up much to at all. So sleep is an enigma to me! But… I’d go through all of this again in an instant.  I really have 2 amazing children they are just brilliant!!!

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